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JohnMonroeGradesAfram

Page history last edited by PBworks 17 years ago

18/20

 

Here's my Grading Scheme:

Completion - 10 points

Grammar - 5 points

Likeability - 5 points

Total - 20 points

Portfolio: Catch those spelling errors!

Draft: When I first read your draft, I thought you had a good outline for a story, but I noticed that your attention to detail was a little shaky and that your grammar is ambiguous and imprecise. For instance, I question the believability of you second sentence -- "He loved to listen to old war stories of great generals such as: George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, Napolean, and Alexander The Great" -- because I'm not sure who is telling the stories or how the stories have been preserved. Surely he couldn't be listening to an exact copy of a speech by Alexander or Napoleon. It could also use a spell check. I'm not going to take any points off of a Draft though.

Remixes: I thought some of the diction you chose in remixing John's narrative was pretty absurd, so I liked it. Still, you need to work on that grammar and spelling, down to your attention to seemingly insignificant things such as the difference between where and were. I'm not sure about what you did to Regina's, though. I thought that she could have done without some of the background details, but you chopped out some of the best details, which made her narrative very dry (I'm never sure whether my puns are intended). Check out the grammar and spelling on this one too. You know, stuff like, I before E except after C, and stuff like that. I'm not sure about your comments on your revisions to Austin's narrative. I didn't read anything in either version about bungee jumping. That said, I think bungee jumping from a plane might be kind of fun, and similar to water skiing. Grammar, Grammar, Grammar. Spelling, Spelling, Spelling.

Final: This introduction is much better than your draft's. I definitely appreciate your choices of details, but your writing style at this point is very noun deficient, so you have lots of great actions an intentions, but the reader (me) isn't sure about what Athanasius is really like besides being a day-dreamer; for all we know, he could be some wacky flake in a mental institution, who has a bunch of world leaders and his mother stuck in his head and who likes to narrate his own existence. I can't see him out in the world. (Maybe I should have remixed yours. Maybe I will.) There are a few things that I'd like to see: paragraphs (please), dialogue and active voice.


Two points off for grammar. Improper grammar and word choice only makes things difficult to read. Honestly, I find it distracting because I want to stop and fix it. The rest is pretty good. Keep jamming.


John, strong rationale with examples. You emphasize the bottom-line reason for doing the slow and often arduous work of spell/voice/tense checking: we want our readers to move with our prose, without distraction. Ambiguities and gaudy errors force readers to pause, even readers who are keenly interested in the unfoldment of the narrative and the fate of the narrative's characters. I believe Afram can pay more attention to these details, and I think his overall score should be a bit lower than what you award, here. He can always revise for a higher score. I think your helpful rationale points out the way to a focused revision plan.

-ShareRiff

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