19/20

 

Ok, so you know I liked your rough draft, and I hope you read my remix because it sums up some of the additions that I think would improve the readability of your narrative. Mainly, I thought that you should use some dialogue and include more descriptions. Here's my Grading Scheme:

Draft: You read it all already.

Remixes: This is where I think you shined on this unit. You added to Austin's narrative many of the things that I thought made your rough draft rather dry. I like the humor, for sure. I think you would generally benefit from reviewing some of the grammatical conventions. I still look things up in my Simon & Schuster Handbook For Writers but as a writer that has become part of my process. Your remix of Farrah's narrative was also appropriate, but I couldn't tell much of a difference from the original, which is OK too. Your changes mostly made some of her phrases less awkward, which I can appreciate. Some of your passive constructions really bugged me though. The additions you made to Danielle's narrative were pretty goofy and sarcastic, which I thought humanized the guy a little bit, which is something I think Danielle sort of neglected.

Final: Overall very good. You know I'm loving the attention to style, especially your copping off of the remixes. My only major criticism is your attention to tense. You don't transition smoothly between past and present tense, which I think that you need to pay closer attention to for any experience narrative. Consider rearranging the order in which you present the preliminary information of your story; I thought John did a pretty good job of managing it. Other than that, I'd like to see dialogue and maybe some really lucid description of the scenery.

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One Point Off for Grammar. Get in there and tighten it up.