How to: Get a 13 year old punk to shut up during a movie

This idea spawned from an event that happened at a recent cinema catastrophe where I was forced to confront a young man around 13 years of age due to his unnecessary communication on his cellular phone during the movie. Now for those of you who know me well I am wound very tight and one of the things I do to relax is go to the movies where I can escape reality for 2 hours and not be bothered by anyone. This particular evening I was in rare form and all I wanted was to get away for 2 hours- not much. Throughout the previews this young man seemed to ignore all efforts by other patrons of the cinema to quiet him down. Despite his rude behavior I gave him the benefit of the doubt hoping he would discontinue the diarrhea that was pouring out of his mouth and into his phone.

The movie began and he continued to talk. Two minutes later I politely asked the young man to be quiet or I would be forced to tell the manager. He told me to shut my fat face at which point I took a deep breath (they say that helps subdue the anger, it didn’t) I grabbed the young man by the shirt and told him if I heard one word out of his mouth I would stick my foot so far but his butt it would wink at him when he brushed his teeth. By this point fear had overtaken the lad and he sat back in his seat where he hung up the phone, turned it off and remained quiet for the duration of the film. After the outburst and movie I felt completely relaxed ready to face the world again.

Steps to Enjoy your Cinema Experience:

1. Get a good seat. What makes a good movie theater

2. If a rude patron exists handle the problem with composure.

3. Always remain calm and collected.

4. Ask nicely first and then if necessary threaten to involve management.

5. If rude response is uttered by the offender explain as politely as possible that you will snatch the life right out of them if the offense does not come to a halt immediately.

6. The above should scare the offender into submission if not get management and deny any threats of any kind, chances are there will be other patrons who will cover for you to get the offender kicked out of the movie.

*Alternative: If you are too shy to confront the offender report to management immediately or rent a movie and stay home in the first place.

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